Top 10 signs it's time to clean your apartment

10.  The fire alarm in your building goes off at 3am, and instead of thinking, "OH CRAP!  I have to save my scrapbooks and koalas!" you think, "OH CRAP!  If the fire department sees my apartment, it will be labeled a fire hazzard and condemned!"

9. You no longer refer to your apartment as "your apartment."  You now call it, "the apartment I share with some roaches and a couple of mice."

8.  You sleep on 1/3 of your bed because the other 2/3 is covered in scrapbooking supplies.  And it's not really a bed anymore.  It's more of a crumb buffet.

7.  You get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and you slip on pizza box and land with your arm in an empty picture frame, your foot in a gift bag full of green tissue paper from Christmas, and your head on one of those Entertainment coupon books that you've been looking for for a year.  You curse your luck because you wish your head landed on the gift bag full of tissue paper because it's softer than the coupon book.

6.  You fear that if you brought the children you nanny over to your place, they would be lost and floundering in the junk.  You consider taking them to the ball pit at Chuck  E. Cheese's for training but decide the balls wouldn't be deep enough.

5.  Not only can you not find your TV remote, you can't find your TV.

4.  A TV crew from Hoarders comes by, and they ran away after you open your door.

3.  Scientists from America's top universities are vying for access to your kitchen sink to study the new species that has evolved from the crud in the drain.  Researchers hypothesize that if current rate of evolution that they have observed continutes, the creatures in said sink will be able to talk in 3 weeks. 

2.  There are enough empty diet coke cans lining your window sill that at a rate of about 2 cents a can, a homeless man could cash them in and eat 3 square meals a day for a month. 

1. Your apartment smells like tires.